Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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