we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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