Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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