My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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