meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
