I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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