Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
