Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
