How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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