I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
