I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
