Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
