She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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