Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
