idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
