I'll bet she douches with gravy.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
