i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
