I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
