Buhtt sex?
Girls should come with a carfax report
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
