I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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