Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize
