The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
