You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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