Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
