I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
