You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
