My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
