and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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