im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
