A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hippo gnu deer
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
