then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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