I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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