My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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