Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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