I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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