I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
