The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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