I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
