you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
