you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Randomize
