I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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