Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
