I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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