You smell like stripper and shame
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
