She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's never too late to be topless.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
