That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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