Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
