The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
