Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
