It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
